Over the last 20 years I have listened to many many people talk about their sex lives. It’s an honour and a privilege every single time as people share with me things they have often never talked about before and over the years I’ve heard people talk a lot about how they have bad sex.
#nomoreshitsex is a hashtag I have been contemplating for a while. There are many ‘aspirational’ hashtags whether it’s #MultipleOrgasms #TantricSex etc yet I know from talking with my clients, that many of these don’t relate when you are having bad sex.
I’m not talking about abusive sex or non-consensual sex. I’m talking about poor sex, mediocre sex, shit sex. Sex that people stop wanting.
When people share about the sex they are having, sometimes they know it’s bad but they don’t know how to talk about it or how to create anything else or how to guide their partners or lovers to something different.
Other times they’re not enjoying it and they don’t know why. They think this is how sex ‘should’ be as this is what they are used to. They’re wondering why they don’t want sex or why they’re not feeling any sexual desire.
The type of bad sex people describe is…
– where it’s racing to the goal of ejaculations and orgasms and there’s so much (often unspoken) pressure to get there that one or both parties are not enjoying the journey.
– where it often involves doing the same thing every single time and sex becomes, as one client described, like painting by numbers. Start at number 1, then go to 2, then 3 and so on. You get the picture!
– where neither party is communicating and they are believing that sex ‘should’ just come naturally (the inevitable pun :-)) so that there is no need to talk about it. Yet inside, there is a stream of inner dialogue full of unsaid words.
– where one or both parties are not present. This might be because they are having a having an internal dialogue about the whole process, and not knowing how to get the words out or what to say or they are fantasising about something different.
– where one or both parties are bored and not feeling able to ask for anything different.
– where you are doing what your partner wants even though you don’t really enjoy it and not feeling able to say.
– where it’s feeling the pressure that sex should always get somewhere to reach the goal of some form of penetration. Because of this pressure, more and more choosing not to get started in the first place. The gap growing between the two partners. Sometimes one of them getting so adept at avoiding intimacy altogether. That might look like going to bed at a different time than your partner or sitting in a different chair to avoid touch for fear that there is an expectation that intimacy has to lead to sex.
I have had so heard so many stories of shit sex over the years, and if any of these things resonate, I want you to know that you are not alone and that this is hugely common. In a world where sex is so ubiquitous, people can feel really alone when sex feels bad.
I am not saying that sex needs to be amazing every time. That is not a realistic expectation. Just like we might go out for dinner and sometimes it’s delicious sometimes it’s not so good, that’s what happens. What I am saying, is that so many people live with bad sex and think that’s it. It’s not.
It takes courage to admit that sex is shit and that you are not enjoying it. It takes courage to say I want something different. It takes courage to get curious as to what’s possible. It takes courage to have conversations that can feel uncomfortable with lovers or partners. It takes courage and it is SO worth it.
Years ago I never imagined that I could experience the pleasure from sex that I do. It’s like trying to describe the ocean to someone who has never seen it. You can describe it but it is nothing like experiencing it, but it does give you a taste and a glimpse of what is possible.
I feel a campaign to change the sex lives of a nation! When the quality of sex changes, it changes the quality of your relationship and your life.
That’s where I come in. If this is you and you want some help, message me and let’s have a conversation.
If this touches something in you and you are curious about working with me, you can read about Pleasure Mastery, my 1-1 coaching programme for women and Intimacy Mastery for couples. You can book a complimentary call with me to get clear on where you are now, where you are desiring to be and what is possible for you. Book a call here and do message me if you have any questions at all.
