Viva La Soft Cock Revolution!
One of my favourite sex educators and revolutionaries Annie Sprinkle calls for a ‘soft cock revolution’. There is so much wisdom in that statement and here is why.
It’s fascinating to reflect on the use of the word ‘hard’ in our culture – ‘we ‘work hard’ and ‘play hard’ in the office and at the gym, and the stereotypical image of the alpha male is hard muscles, hard abs and the expectation of a hard penis in bed. When a man is in his sexual pleasure, whether in the movies or in porn, he always has a hard erection.
The equation ‘hard erection = pleasure’ is deeply imprinted in our psyche and this puts a lot of pressure and expectation on men. For many, this leads to performance anxiety and erection problems. It’s estimated that half of all men between the ages of 40 and 70 will have erection problems to some degree, the unfortunate medical term for this being ‘erectile dysfunction’.
Whilst erection challenges can be an indicator of underlying health problems such as diabetes and heart problems, for the majority of men a different approach is needed. Currently many of these men are given viagra, but this does not address the underlying reasons that can result in erection problems, such as medication side affects, health problems, stress, lifestyle issues, relationship dynamics, anxiety and shame. These issues absolutely need to be explored and addressed.
Sex education is vital, as for so many men there is the expectation that their erection must always be hard when they are experiencing pleasure. This is an absolute myth and not how men’s erections naturally are.
Tantric wisdom teaches us that pleasure naturally ebbs and flows, and so does the strength of erection. Men can have exquisite pleasure with soft erections if they relax and let go of the expectation that their erections must be hard.
This is also true of their partners, where the equation is ‘hard erection = he’s turned on by me’. For a man who can’t get an erection, it is often the opposite. He really wants the person he is with, yet the more he tries to make his erection hard, the less it happens.
This hardness extends beyond erections to how we touch ourselves and each other. Men often touch their genitals with one stroke (you know the one!) which can be very rough. Over time, this can lead to desensitisation of the penis and so harder and harder strokes are needed to feel anything at all.
The opposite is true. What’s needed is radical softness and tenderness. This, combined with time and attention, can bring the sensitivity back. This also expands the horizons of pleasure. There are so many different ways to stroke a penis when we let go of habit and open to our innate creativity and body intelligence.
Practices from Tantra invite the opportunity of ‘soft cock penetration’. Letting go of erections having to be hard opens up whole new possibilities of pleasure for all involved. And this requires a shift on other levels, where lovemaking is about ‘being’ rather than ‘doing’, presence not performance, and letting go of the goals of hard erections and orgasms – although they are welcome, they are not the aim.
I have worked successfully with many men who had concerns about their erections. Recently I have been working with Cliff who contacted me after having his prostate removed due to cancer. When he got in touch, he was feeling low and worried that he would never get another erection and therefore not experience sexual pleasure again. Working together, he has not only discovered new ways to experience pleasure for himself, but he and his partner have rekindled intimacy after a five year gap. He now feels healthier and happier.
If you are concerned about your erections or want to learn different ways to experience pleasure, please get in touch. I offer bespoke Sex Coaching Programmes to support you in transforming whatever is holding you back so you can flourish.
Do get in touch. I’d love to hear from you.
With pleasure,
Sarah Rose Bright
