If you were an alien who wanted advice about sex, and you looked at the sex sections on the websites of mainstream magazines you might believe the only options for changing your sex life is to get some sex toys or try a new position.
And as Prince so shared (it is a Prince track I really love :-)) –
“Honey, we’ve been together
Honey, for too long
Honey, we’ve got to make it better
Honey, before we go wrong
Got to try a new position, yeah!
Something that’ll make it all right
New position, yeah, let’s go fishing in the river, the river of life”
It is saddens that this is the best that is offered and I know that for many couples I work with, this is what they try and then they wonder why it doesn’t work. This can end up in frustration, blame and shame and more.
I get asked fairly regularly by sex toy brands to partner with them. To either endorse their products or to write blogs for them. And I always say no even to the more sustainable brands as I don’t think they are the answer in the way they are sold. I am not saying sex toys are bad, I just don’t think they are the solution that they are marketed to be which is why I why I won’t endorse them.
In our highly commercialised world that makes money from people in often aggressive and non ethical ways, it leads people to look for the thing that will ‘fix’ them and sex toys has become another one of those.
I wrote previously about a very well known sex expert who said in an interview that if a woman is not having many orgasms she should get the vibrator out and within two or three minutes most women will orgasm – job done. The ‘sexpert’ said ‘maybe she [the woman] can’t relax’.
There was no exploration of why the woman couldn’t relax which could be for a multitude of reasons including she may be feeling pressure from her partner or she doesn’t know how to communicate what she really wants.
This advice, and on a very big podcast was so poor and the podcast got a lot of criticism for it on social media. The ‘sexperts’ advice was saying – it doesn’t matter what’s happening to you, override what your body might be telling you and just get that vibrator out and go for the orgasm.
How many people took this advice. And of course this sexpert has a business selling sex toys.
Of course my clients might use sex toys but they share with me that they are aware that the sex toy is limiting them and they are curious about the depth of pleasure and intimacy available beyond sex toys. They have a sense there is so much more.
So if sex toys and positions are not the answer what is?
Whether you are single, dating or relating, there are SO many other areas to explore which create strong foundations in intimacy and sex, a base from which you can evolve.
It’s taking space and time to explore:
- the myths and beliefs you hold about sex
- how your past shapes your present
- do you feel safe in your body / with your partner
- how you feel about yourself as a sexual being
- the multiverses of sensation and pleasure available in the human body
- who you are as an alive erotic sensual being and what lights you up
- expressing your needs and asking for what you want
- moving goal based sex to sex rooted in pleasure, presence and purpose
- Listening to and trusting your body wisdom
- Becoming a masterful communicator
- How to truly give and receive
- getting good at touch
- There is more…..
These are just some of things that open up whole new dimensions in your sex life.
Without these in place, sex toys and new positions won’t change much at all.
