Learning about sex in the hotch pot way that I did, I thought that I was meant to look sexy, act sexy, and that sex had to get faster faster and more intense as our bodies tensed before my partner and I exploded into orgasm, ideally at the same time. That became a struggle. It wasn’t pleasurable. It wasn’t gentle sex. There was no connection and or little love (though I didn’t realise that at the time, as I thought there was something up with me as I didn’t enjoy it).

It was only by chance that I found the power of gentle sex. I remember a moment with a partner during sex where we paused. I wasn’t used to the pauses as my belief was that great sex involved doing lots. In that pause, a whole universe opened up to me as subtle, divine, orgasmic pleasure flowed through my being. It was one of those moments that meant life would never be the same again.

You don’t see much gentle sex on the TV or in porn because not much happens on the outside so it doesn’t make for engaging viewing. That’s because so much of what happens in gentle sex is what happens on the inside and in the space in between you and the other person.

What is gentle sex?

Gentle sex, sometimes called slow sex, or making love, is accessing the subtle realms of sexual energy. It’s heart opening. It’s opening to a depth of love and connection that takes you so deeply into yourself and into each other and the present moment. It’s timeless. It can be powerful and passionate too. 

Gentle sex is so healing that you experience a quality of loving touch, of presence, of listening that it is so tender and so precious. This can be on your own or with another. It’s such a gift to ourselves and to the world.

This is sex that is fantasy free because there’s no need to be anywhere else but right in the present moment. Because the present moment is so utterly exquisite.

Gentle sex is such an antidote for the intense, hard and fast times that we live in. It’s slow sex, it’s making love, it’s soul sex. To borrow a phrase from Kimberley Ann Johnson, I believe it’s sex that can change the world.

How to have gentle sex

For me, a massive part of my sexual healing has been un-learning all the behaviours and the ways that I thought sex ‘should’ look like. As I un-learnt all those habits I had got used to, I was able to create the space to drop into and notice what was happening in my body. To listen to what felt true to me, to trust that and follow the impulses from within.

Gentle sex is a portal to un-learning all the habits that you have learnt. It also taught me a lot about being gentle with myself. It might never be your fav way to have sex but I highly recommend exploring it.

Read more about how to have gentle sex in my ‘how to make love’ blog. 

Ready to Explore?

If you’re curious to reimagine your sex life and explore a more connected, nourishing kind of intimacy, I’d love to support you.

You can read more about Soul Sex, my bespoke programme for couples, or The Making Love Retreat®, which I co-facilitate with my partner.

Together, we explore slow sex and the art of making love — not as a technique, but as a path of transformation – deepening intimacy, connection and pleasure.

If you haven’t already, sign up to my newsletter to get a free ebook called ‘How relaxed love making can transform your sex life.’  

I also offer Soul Sex as a 1-1 programme for women, whether you are single, dating or in relationship.